As I sit in Pret sipping on a can of drink which I massively overpaid for, I can’t help but reflect on this year and everything that’s happened. 2018 has been the longest and shortest year of my life. Things happened mere months ago that I could’ve sworn were years in my past. I’ve faced, battled and overcome so many obstacles and I frequently wonder where the hell I got the strength to fight.
This year started with the easiest decision of leaving my ex…I say easy, I’d been trying to leave for months but I finally found the courage to follow through. A horrible month followed where we still shared a house and my privacy was massively invaded and I left with a bitter taste in my mouth. I got back on my own two feet and found a room in a lovely little house share and carried on with my day to day life. I say day to day, was dating 4-6 times a week, or in other words ‘getting drunk and waking up in someone else’s house’. I am utterly mortified by my behaviour this year, but I’m not going to cover it up and pretend it didn’t happen. I needed to go through it to grow and discover I deserved better. I will forever look back on the person I was in those months and remember I never want to get back to that point. Substance abuse and casual sex aren’t really two things I want to be associated with.
I’ve honestly had a shitty, shitty year and am glad to kick 2018 to the curb with all the trashy men I’ve had the misfortune of associating myself with. Now I hate to be that basic white bitch who claims ‘new year new me’, but I do see 2019 as a turning point for me (of course I’m still going to be the same overly opinionated self love enthusiast). I essentially entered 2018 in a haze and not really knowing what I was doing. My life got massively flipped on its ass 3 or 4 times in the space of 3 months and it honestly shook me. I didn’t know which way was up so I spent a lot of time doing things that I thought would make me happy. I’ll let you in on a little secret…nothing made me happy. After 11 months of inadvertently ‘finding myself’ I now have a vague idea of what I want to do and where I want to be. 2018 Charli who was a mess and who made her friends and family worry about whether she was going to get murdered isn’t going to see the light of day in 2019. If she makes an appearance then you have my permission to punch me in the throat.
If you haven’t already guessed, I am not going to continue with dating apps in 2019. After a long hard stare at myself in the mirror I realised I don’t want a relationship, and I don’t want casual sex…so I might as well not be on tinder. At this point I’m essentially using it for a quick confidence boost and for some new insta followers. It’s all empty, I don’t want to meet anyone, I actually loathe dating and the process of meeting new people so I’m no longer putting myself through it. This bitch is gonna get a hobby, I’ll get back to you with the details once I’ve decided where my skills outside of writing lie. I’m sure I’ll still update the blog, lord knows I’ve still got plenty of stories stored inside this noggin. Failing that, I have enough friends who use tinder to be able to milk their experiences for intellectual gain.
See you in hell 2018!