Isst Du Arsch?

So as some of you may know, I recently travelled to Germany for my 25th birthday. I went with my best friend and the intention was to get as drunk as possible and see how much free booze we could get. I obviously kept an eye on tinder whilst I was there, mostly to get recommendations on bars and clubs to go to. Now let me tell you, German boys are 12/10! Exactly my type and they basically all looked like models. My ovaries couldn’t cope. I got to swiping and even let my mate have a go. Now admittedly I’ve paid for Tinder Gold so we only swiped on guys who had already swiped right on me. I’m not even kidding, I had about 800 likes within the first 12 hours.

The calibre of men was on par with that of a model casting call. There was absolutely no comparison from UK guys to German hunks.

If you’re looking at these and thinking ‘catfish’ then I did too, but they were legit. I checked their credentials.

I was super excited about potentially meeting a buff German ting. I could woo them with my poor Deutsch skills and then get them to buy me a kölsch or two. I thought the guys would be sweet and help me with finding somewhere to party. However, It turns out Germany’s fuckboys are just as active as England’s.

Oh Germany, how you cease to disappoint me (the last guy offered to cuddle me in bed). I also had to add Ian as that message had be CREASED, despite him not being german.

I didn’t meet anyone and the most action I got was a hug from a randomer in a club on the Saturday. Obviously I wasn’t there to bang, but my friend was very much encouraging I at least got some free shots and a kiss, what a babe. Admittedly, I actually got a bit nervous about meeting up with a stranger in another country. Mostly because I didn’t know where I was, and I usually avoid language barriers with guys where possible as I’m awkward as fuck if I can’t hear or understand someone. So to actively seek someone who’s first language isn’t English is a stupid idea really. The chat was mostly dry with your classic niceties ‘how are you’ ‘how long are you in Germany for’, etc. I was offered about 8 dates, but I just wanted someone to come join me and my mates get messy. We were worried we wouldn’t be let into clubs Cos we are English (we had a bad experience in one bar). But that never happened. Again, I wasn’t there on a shagging trip, I was there for a city break with my best friend for my birthday.

All in all, the behaviour I see over here in the UK seems to be bred into the male species. I always thought it was a locational attribute, but no, all guys are trash apparently, no matter where you are in the world. I’m much more likely to let that behaviour slide for a tall, tanned, buff german guy over a scrawny, tattooed, ket head in the UK.

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