First Impressions


Thinking of an opening line can be really scary, especially when it’s to a new potential beau. A simple ‘Hi, how are you’ just won’t suffice these days. You need to stand out amongst the thousands of other suitors and what better way than with a killer one-liner. I have compiled a collection of my all-time FAVOURITE messages I’ve ever received over. Plus, some content lovingly provided by my younger sister – because apparently, it’s not just me that attracts the shitheads. Welcome to my very own ‘tindernightmares’ gallery. So prepare yourselves to imitate the following Tituss Burgess reactions…

Now I couldn’t start this post without highlighting the most popular word used in the messages I receive…

TATTOOS. Yes, we get it, I have some tattoos on my legs. Considering I have a very very small amount of coverage I find it incredibly embarrassing to have it pointed out to me. Now, I appreciate that these guys are just trying to break the ice, but give me more to work with! It’s a real turn off for me to get messages like that. As I’m sure it would be to a guy, it gets incredibly repetitive and mundane. I know some of the guys are complimenting me, but I have a theory that people just see patterns on skin and think ‘oh cool, tattoos!’. I could literally have a tattoo of a pitbull eating a baby and they’d still think it was amazing.

The best messages I get are obviously compliments, this one in particular had me swooning.


Now, I didn’t stick around to find out what exactly he would be pulling out of, but I’m sure it would have been incredibly romantic.

Why beat around the bush and drag conversations out for longer than you need to, it is 2k18 after all. It’s always worthwhile to get straight to the point about your intentions, and these guys didn’t fuck about. Well, they do say honesty is the best policy!

If you’re going to make the first move by contacting a girl, DEFINITELY make sure you compliment her or let her know what you really think of her. Don’t just call her ‘beautiful’ or ‘sexy’ though, think outside the box…

All credit to my lucky younger sister for this one, hang in there Jess.

If you really want to get a conversation going you should ask some questions. It’s a great way to get to know your potential date. Take some hints from these guys who clearly have it nailed.


Am I a sub? Hmm, if wanting to punch a man in the throat whilst simultaneously stomping on his testicles makes me a submissive then, choke me, daddy.

I must stress that these aren’t all the messages I get – although it does account for around 85% of them. Some guys are just terrible at talking to women and don’t know boundaries. Lad culture has led them to believe that conversing like this is entirely normal, but it’s not. Ladies, please don’t stand for messages like the above, you are worth so much more. By all means, write an aggressive response, call them out on their bullshit and make them feel as ridiculous as they’ve made you feel. And boys, stop sending messages like these. We know you think if you throw enough shit something will stick, but no one wants to be asked if you can ‘bend your legs behind your head’ so they can ‘lick your asshole’ at 8:44am. Just don’t do it.

If you have any similar messages then please do send them to me on Insta @hneugh or on here via my contact page. I would love to see the kinds of messages you guys get (men included).


1 thought on “First Impressions”

  1. […] This seems so vague, but it’s actually super important to be clear with someone when you feel uncomfortable with what they’ve said. At the end of the day they are a stranger behind a screen and you should not feel threatened or scared to call them out on being a gross pig. You can take a look at a small amount of the disgusting messages I have received here. […]


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